Accepting incontinence and using diapers

[bcca]

It’s just not practical to be urinating every 30 minutes in a bathroom.

You're right, it's not practical. But this is also kind of the part of it that's tough for me to conceptualize in my head, too. The bladder stuff has been a lifelong thing for me. I don't know what having a "normal" bladder feels like, because I've never had one.

So there's these three thoughts that go through my head a lot:
1. Holding a full bladder until I get to a toilet is just not practical unless I'm at home, and sometimes not even then
2. But hey, other people manage to do it, and they're not much different from me, right? So it has to be possible. How are they doing it???
3. If I can figure out how they're doing it, then I should be able to do it, too, right?

Obviously the logical answer is (and my rational mind understands this) that my bladder isn't "normal" and that what's easy for other people may be hard or impossible for me. But it's just so tempting to make that assumption and go "well, everyone's bodies must work basically like mine, right? So why can't I do this? Or, alternatively, why can other people do it so well? What's their secret?"

Have any of you tried to go unprotected at times, and if so how did that go?

Yes I have. I can actually do a semi-decent job at it when I try. It's stressful and scary. And it's also embarrassing. I have this really vivid memory of helping someone with some physically demanding labor. I was trying to be brave and not wear a diaper. We were both sweating and it was probably obvious that I needed some water. The person I was helping offered me some, and I had to turn it down despite the fact that I'm sure it was obvious to him that I needed it. And I gave some lame, tongue-tied explanation for why I couldn't say yes to the water.

But all in all I think I can do an okayish job at not wearing diapers. The problem is that "me, trying really really really hard" isn't even up to the level of bladder control that "a normal person, not trying hard at all" is capable of.

So I'm still not the equal of that person who's got a normal bladder. I can do it. But when I do, it's taking everything I've got. And other people do the same or better job than I do at the bladder stuff, and they're just cruising along with no stress.

It’s the guilt factor of wearing a diaper as an adult and using it even when not having an accident.

I don't think I've ever felt this guilt. Sure, I've definitely felt ashamed that my bladder is the way it is and that I have to wear the diapers in the first place. But I don't feel embarrassed when I pee on purpose into the diaper. I feel like the diaper is what gives me enough control over the whole situation so that I *can* make my own bladder-related decisions and decide when I'm going to intentionally pee.

If I didn't have the diaper, then I wouldn't have the luxury of doing anything on purpose. Every full bladder would be a panic situation. I would be getting stuck in all kinds of TMI situations that everyone here is probably familiar with. But since I do have the diaper, I don't have to panic or get scared when my bladder is full, I can just pee.

How much sense does that make? I guess I feel like -- sure, in one sense I'm demonstrating good bladder control when that happens. My body says it's time to pee, I make the decision to pee, and I pee. That's bladder control, right? But it's only that way because I was in the diaper in the first place.

[desertrat]

Fecal incontinence started for me at age 22 in college--literally, I was in a class when it first happened. Thankfully it was a small amount but I couldn't tell if it had leaked through my pants.

Dealing with it was just awful and I had painful skin breakdown, plus several significant accidents on campus (and multiple close-calls that would have been massive disasters). I was stopping by a bathroom between each class just to use the toilet and clean up my skin. I spent a good chunk of my day worrying about or dealing with it all. I would spend the last few minutes of each class planning my route to the next place with primary and backup restrooms just in case. Sometimes both would be full and have to walk to another building, making myself late for class.

Since it was fecal incontinence (a slow constant leak of liquid stool and mucus) it didn't take very much to be a disaster and it leaked digestive enzymes that not only tore up my skln, but literally ate holes in my underwear; they would come out of the washing machine with parts dissolved, just like a shirt after chemistry lab.

I had tried one package of Attends diapers but they were massive, scented (some sort of a pinesol-like odor) and it was impossible to hide them. I tried ignoring the problem, or inventing my own methods of dealing with it. Diapers were a crutch, anyway. I was certain I could overcome it with willpower.

Once the "protective underwear" hit the market, it was a miracle for me. I wore the protective underwear in the day and the green Depends briefs at night; I switched to diapers at night after having one large nighttime accident that stained my sheets and my futon; it really horrified me. I didn't even know it happened until I rolled over into cold slime. And I had to wash the sheets our shared laundry room, where a neighbor walked in on me while I was trying to scrub out the large brown mess. It was just terrible.

Once I gave in and decided it wasn't just "mind over matter" and finally wore the diapers, my skin healed up, I didn't have to panic all the time. I didn't have paper towels falling down my legs while walking past the dorm or maxi-pads coming unstuck from my underwear and bunching up in the back of my pants, sticking to me like I had shoved a roll of socks down the rear of my pants. Everything got so much better once I dealt with it properly.

By the end of grad school, the Depends diapers (briefs) had gotten so much better I was wearing them all day; I would tape them up a bit loose and they had great waistbands I could use to pull them up-and-down all day like underwear. They were thin enough now that nobody would notice then under my jeans. Plus they would contain everything. If I had no leakage I could wear them for 24 hours and toss them away before my shower (the new depend diapers are garbage without the waistband that made them great).

Accepting the reality of my situation and using diapers improved my whole life. The doctors kept telling me it was "just stress" and "all in [my] head", so I though I was giving in to a problem I should be solving by just ignoring it and working really, really hard to pretend I was fine. I wasn't fine. Turned out the MDs had no idea what they were talking about.

Trying to handle all the problems added 1-2 years to my school, ruined multiple relationships and put off dating by a decade. Wearing the diapers/protective underwear had my perineum healed up in less than a month. I no longer had to sneak off at work to secretly shower or wear a pair of scrub pants under my jeans (or wear two pairs of scrub pants at work because I had leaked through my underwear).

I became a big advocate for using what you need to in order to solve the problem. It doesn't mean give up on fixing it with the doctors, but it means you don't have to suffer just because you don't have an Rx saying it is okay to fix the problem.

[Lord Duque]

Several on this post have indicated that they have accepted their need for diapers. My question is how? Have any of you tried to go unprotected at times, and if so how did that go? My incontinence is so unpredictable. There are times when I can go nearly a day without feeling the need/urge to pee. I have a large bladder which caused bladder retention. I know my prostatectomy of 5 years ago along with heart failure, and recent back surgery have attributed to my control issues, but I still feel that I can manage without diapers. I feel it a waste to wear a diaper when it may not be necessary. Do any of you wear a diaper just in case? Should I give in to that thinking? I'm not sure I'm brave enough to try. At soon to be 75 years young, I'm a little hesitant to start experimenting on anything.

As you say, dp66, yes, I do have tried going undiapered several times since I had the accident (now 17 years ago). Happens that as I still have some control, and start exiting from home without protection, each day further and more time, until one day …..PUBLIC ACCIDENT! And as usual it always happens in the worst situation possible, I mean in front of friends or in the middle of a bar or a class or whatever. And still remains the returning to your house! That will be far that day, that you’ll cross with the f…king brat that will shout “look mum! That boy just peed his pants!” While you look at him with not very friendly aspect XD (and maybe it’s more than one time ). And then you think I can go undiapered but wet each….week, two weeks, three? And when they see you wet almost every week they’ll now you are IC with no need of trust nor confidence, people will just see.

So you finally arrive to the next conclusion: it’s better to return home with a dry diaper a hundred times than the same thing but with wet pants. (or even worse, soiled also) We tend to be paranoid but diapers tend to be unnoticed thing that won’t happen with peed clothes and some of you can differ or have different view but got me that’ s the choice. I ended tired of trusting that I wouldn’t need them and always finish putting them back and because of an unpleasant experience. Some of you have experienced something similar? Hope I’ ve answered to the question and best regards for you all! Forum friends.

[wayne]

@LD: So you finally arrive to the next conclusion: it’s better to return home with a dry diaper a hundred times than the same thing but with wet pants. (or even worse, soiled also) We tend to be paranoid but diapers tend to be unnoticed thing that won’t happen with peed clothes and some of you can differ or have different view but got me that’ s the choice. I ended tired of trusting that I wouldn’t need them and always finish putting them back and because of an unpleasant experience.

I experience a similar problem daily, wearing pull-ups for accident prevention around the house because I do have limited control (but not of a nearly full bladder). Because of the days that I toss the pull-up away dry, I get to thinking "do I really need these?" But this line of reasoning sets you up for failure. When working with intermittent failures, you have to plan for the worst case. If you don't, you WILL sometimes fail. My feeling is that failure is not an option, even though it might be inevitable sometimes.

Throw in the fact that I now sometimes have bowel control issues, the matter further escalates when going out in public. And yes, there are a few times when I come home with a clean/dry diaper on. But this is success vs the tragedy of having a BM in the middle of a store! So I am now resigned to diaper up when going out in public for any length of time. It feels perverse but to guarantee success, there is no better choice in the matter.

I do still take chances however, which I may someday regret. When I walk up to the corner store for milk/bread, I'll go in my around the house pull-up protection. But the time in the store is short and I can exit quickly and walk home if things go south. Life is full of risk. A lot of what we deal with is risk management.

[desertrat]

to return home with a dry diaper a hundred times than the same thing but with wet pants. (or even worse, soiled also) We tend to be paranoid but diapers tend to be unnoticed thing that won’t happen with peed clothes and some of you can differ or have different view but got me that’ s the choice. I ended tired of trusting that I wouldn’t need them

Yes, I had a big fecal accident once in public, I would guess 300-500ml of diarrhea, mainly mucus and liquid stool and it all came shooting out at once when I had a coughing fit--my disease tended to flare with my asthma attacks. I got to the nearest bathroom, but it had only two stalls, neither had toilet paper and it had a rolling cloth towel, no paper towels. The diarrhea had soaked through the seat of my jeans and down both legs. I couldn't even rinse my pants out in the sink since it was a multi-user bathroom and I didn't even have any underwear now. I think they went into the trash.

It was a disaster. I ended up using papers in my backpack (didn't work very well), my spare set of underwear, even my socks trying to get cleaned up. And I had taken the bus that day, so I had to either wait for the bus like that or walk home. Diapers as a last-resort-backup didn' t seem so bad that day.

[wayne]

Wow, how dreadful! And so typical of washrooms!

[desertrat]

I'm sure some here have had worse experiences, but it was pretty awful. It was the incident that got me to go back to the doctor, after loosing a lot of weight, having my hair fall out and my fingernails crack a couple years earlier (obvious malnutrition in hindsight) didn't.

I got off lucky in some ways; I had several near-misses, one in class that ended up being 20 seconds from a massive accident right in the front of the room. It would have been something I considered awful, except that it could have been so much worse. I cannot believe I was so naive as to assume the doctors (first-year residents at Student Health) were competent and that this was all "stress".

Most of the time now I just use lighter "protective underwear" and sometimes I feel foolish or even guilty when I haven't had leakage in a week but feel the need to be at least a bit prepared. I need to remind myself how bad things had been.

[JDinVirginia]

Being "prepared" is great for the physical aspects of a fecal incontinence. However, a benefit often overlooked is that being proactive generally reduces stress and anxiety and that in itself can reduce the liklihood of a bowl accident.

--John
(double incontinent)

[greenbank]

Being "prepared" is great for the physical aspects of a fecal incontinence. However, a benefit often overlooked is that being proactive generally reduces stress and anxiety and that in itself can reduce the liklihood of a bowl accident.

--John
(double incontinent)

Being prepared is the best way to manage incontinence and yes it takes the stresses out of life. Having a set routine for changes means that when the worst happens there is nothing to fear. Finding the correct protection that works all this allows for as close to normal life as possible.

Greenbank

[Stan]

Having iffy bladder control and needing a fairly hefty diuretic dose means dealing with a lot of wet diapers because the bathroom is too far away most of the time. But I had it worked out pretty well. Then a severe COVID infection hit me and the hospital solution to a possible incontinence episode was a paper bed pad and a urinal; I even asked about pull-ups, nope. The pad wasn't very absorbent! So I spent a lot of time trying to detect when my bladder was ready to let go, so I could "jump"/drag myself out of bed to stand up and use the urinal as that is the only way to empty my bladder. Got a second urinal so the tech didn't have to come so often. Being home again has really made it clear that having a workable routine is important and relieves a lot of stress.