My incontinence has a long history even before it really started. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, with mental and sexual abuse. The outward facade was perfect, and I even had people coming to me telling me I was lucky to have so good parents when I had so much mental problems.
I was constantly concentrating on not losing control over bowel and bladder, and had to remember it more or less all the time. I did never tell anyone as I thought that I just was not doing good enough. At the age of 26, in a stressful period during my education, I started losing control.
In the beginning it happened only when I was alone, and I was able to pick up myself the rest of the time. I thought I was crazy, fearing being pervert, and even more afraid of losing control in public. The more stressful or emotional situation, the harder it was to keep control. For years I lived a kind of double life. Scared of people finding out what was happening.
At the age of 31 I had a total breakdown, as I started to remember more of my childhood. I was unsble to work, but I did not have courage to tell my doctor about my incontinence, as I still thought it was just me not being good enough. It took me one more year until I told my gp. At that point I could not leave my flat for days, because I had no more clothes to wear.
My gp turned out to be an understanding person. He did not send me to all kind of weird examinations, but gave me a prescription for diapers. To meet kindness and understanding was too much for me, and I ended up staying one and a half year in hospital. There I met the psychologist who I an still seeing. The reason of my incontinence was diagnosed as dissociative.
I am now 45, still totally incontinent on b&b, but I have been able to live with the situation, and is more focused on other parts of my life. Being able to manage the toilet is not the ultimate meaning of life. As I work on my issues, I may get back the function one day.
_________________ I want to join the bowel movement....
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