www.incontinentsupport.org

I posted about my friend's husband who has recovered well after his prostatectomy.
Margins are clear so it was a successful surgery.
His bladder control has not gotten better.
If anything it has worsened.
His leakage at night is heavy so Tim and Val have decided to try briefs after the pullups failed.
The briefs are doing the job - bed is dry in the morning.
During the day he is wearing the pullups but he has to change every couple of hours.
The thought of switching to briefs during the day crossed his mind since he has so much success with them at night
I told him that the benefit is that he can change easier when he is out without completely undressing and he can worry less about leaks.
Tim is worries about discreteness.

Have any of you dealt with this dilemma yourself and what did you do?

thanks
Diane

Following three prostate/bladder surgeries, decades apart, I now must deal with continual leakage. Although I do use disposables occasionally, I prefer washables for several reasons. High quality washables can handle just about anything I can throw at them, from diarrhea to urinary leakage. The initial cost for an inventory of washables and plastic pants can be high; however, the payback in terms of security and the long-term cost savings are persuasive. There is a learning curve which must be mastered, and laundry can pile up. For me, washables are an essential management tool. I hope your friend will find success. Good luck and keep us informed.

I fought diapers for a long time. Did the pullup thing, then pads of various sizes- all the way to diaper size pads. Then pullups with doublers. I was always conscious of the lumps in my slacks, thinking that this must be sooo obvious to everyone. Well, the wet slacks were far more obvious. Nobody pays attention to my diaper inflated backside it seems. Even my wife, who knows my condition, seldom notices and simply pats my diapered butt on occasion.

Pullups have several issues.
1. They have little padding or absorbency. Must be changed more often.
2. They are designed to be changed by removing your pants completely. Not convenient, IMO.
3. Weak waistband will not support the weight of wet doublers. They are designed to only carry the minimum weight.

Diapers during the day are now my mainstay, and my sanity is vastly improved because of it. To keep me calm, I have made several change to my wardrobe- dark pants, one size larger and I seldom tuck my shirt anymore.

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- Tom

So here's my take on the discreetness thing.

On top of the diaper I wear what I now know are called "fixation pants". I used to think they were called "fixing pants" but I have learned that that's actually not the standard term for them.

On top of the fixation pants I wear a onesie.

Then my actual jeans.

So any kind of lumpiness there is, has 3 chances to get smoothed out by the time it is visible on the outside. This really works. Yes, sometimes the diaper goes on lumpy. Sometimes that just happens. But each layer smooths it out a little more, and I just don't worry about it by the time it gets out to my jeans.

Hi

My take on this is as follows:-

Pull ups were not around when I was a teenager it was always a tab style disposable or terry style nappy/diaper!

I have been wearing tab style disposable diapers for over 30 years and as people have said are far easier to manage. I too wear fixation underwear as this helps reduce the stress on the tabs along with a plastic/pvc diaper cover. As far as discreetness goes jeans, skort and baggy trousers do the trick.

I personally don’t care anymore if people see that I wear a diaper as this is part of who I am.

Tab style diapers allow me to have a normal a life as possible yes I have incontinence but incontinence does not have me!

I hope this contribution will help.

Greenbank

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
Tim remains on the fence about wearing diapers during the day.
Its likely an emotional hurdle. The mind says diapers are the best choice but the heart is reluctant to comply.
You all gave great advice and practical reasons.
Any suggestions that appeal to the heart?

thanks so much!
Diane

If the IC is not too extreme (re floods), there are a lot of thinner briefs that are very discrete, if you choose the cloth backed ones. Although I am mostly wearing guards this summer because my IBS-d is mostly under control, I was wearing a cheap cloth backed brief with underwear briefs over top (as a compression pant).

No one is going to notice that and something you can wear without fear. The only caution concerns the waist line -- if you wear low cut jeans/etc. then you want to make sure your brief waistline doesn't show. But I've rarely found that to be a problem in practice.

Disposable briefs are mostly very discreet nowadays and are barely noticeable under normal men's trousers. Nobody will notice unless he wears excessively thick ones. I've been wearing them for several years and nobody has ever noticed. It's only tight fitting pants that show up diapers underneath and it tends to be women who wear those. Cloth diapers are an issue under trousers but not disposables.

Not sure how to appeal to the heart, other than to suggest that he has a strong support system and it would be awkward for him, and them as well, if he has an obvious accident when out in public.

As to discretion, maybe he could try pants a size larger than he normally wears to give a bit of extra room. That works very well for me, as do darker colors. He seems to be accepting of wearing diapers at night. Maybe he could start wearing a diaper during the day around the house, then venturing out a bit at a time (ie: running to the convenience store, gas station, etc. where he would be out and about, but not necessarily up close and personal with anyone. The first time I left the house in a diaper (full disclosure, it was a Depends-I was very new to the whole IC thing) was to Home Depot. Of course I had a flood while asking an associate for some help finding something. He didn't even notice!. The second time was to Walmart - again, no one noticed that I could tell. The point is once he gets across a small hurdle and gets more comfortable, it gets easier to get over the second one and so-on. Please wish him the best!

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"When you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

I guess "the heart" is two things. Or maybe more than two, but here's the two I can think of.

There's the "loss of masculinity" aspect of diapers, which I don't have any advice for except to empathize. That one is rough. And I don't necessarily agree with people who say "it's just a choice of underwear, it doesn't have anything to do with masculinity". I guess technically they're right, but it ignores all of this programming we get from society about what being masculine means. When I see people say that my reaction in my gut is "Well, yeah, but..."

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for that one. I want a better answer to it, myself.

There's also the "reduction in day-to-day fear, stress, worry" part. I think that can also fit under the "heart" category. That one I think is pretty clearly in favor of wearing diapers full time. By the time I went back to diapers last year the fear was dominating my whole life. I don't think fear is too strong a word, I think it's a good word for the emotion. The world we live in is built with one type of person in mind, a person who has "normal" bladder control and can wait a "normal" length of time to go to the bathroom. For people like me, who don't fit that description, existing out in the outside world, and trying to pretend I'm ok, is just terrifying. And it doesn't get better.

It definitely didn't get better during the pandemic. Among other things, the number of public bathrooms dropped during the pandemic; initially severely, and even now in 2023 I don't think it's returned to its former number. It's just miserable and embarrassing and horrible.

... Except that it does get better with diapers. That's the magical part. It doesn't just get a little better, it gets all the way better. Since the diaper is always there, I know for an absolute certain fact that I can always pee when I have to. If I have to pee 6 times in an hour, then that's great, I just go ahead and pee 6 times in an hour. When it's convenient to change, I change. No stress, no fear.

How's that for "heart"? Not that I don't have plenty more to say about the practical side too. But that's my take on the heart side.