No response is needed to this really. I think I just needed to get it off my chest.
I saw some speculation in a different thread that people tend to join the forums, find answers to their questions, and then drift off. I guess I drifted off ten years ago (2012-ish) but it was actually kind of due to getting discouraged/depressed with the whole process with the medical system! Not because I found the answers I needed.
I've written a couple of drafts of this post because my first couple of attempts sounded overly sentimental, like "oh for the good old days". So here's what I think I'm trying to say. At the time I joined in 2011 I was sort of going through a shift in how I thought about my incontinence. Before 2011 I used to think it was just fine. I couldn't hold pee, I wore diapers, they made everything fine. Problem? What problem?
I guess the problem is that nobody exists in a vacuum. I think I must have looked "weird" to the outside world. I didn't know I looked all that weird. I thought the diapers were keeping my pants dry and I was mostly acting normal otherwise. But I started to pick up on stuff. At the time I was also very concerned with progressing in my career, and it seemed to me that the diapers were one thing that just made me not really fit the mold. I don't think I ever faced any blatant or outright discrimination. But "how someone views you on a gut level" can be a fickle, hard-to-pin-down thing. And I made a decision in 2011. I decided I was going to pursue any and all kinds of medical treatment available to me. And I did. Nothing really worked. Tests were inconclusive. Drugs, treatments, physical therapy didn't have lasting benefit. And then the Botox which messed me up so much it took me two years to recover from it. And at that point I'd lost my motivation for the whole thing and I was just ready for the Botox to be over so I could get on with my life.
There's so much embarrassment now, though. There didn't used to be this much embarrassment. I grew up not being able to delay urination for more than a few minutes, at least not reliably. Before 2011, the diapers were actually making me less embarrassed, not more, because hey at least my pants were staying dry. But somehow now it's a lot easier to feel like it's my fault for not being tough enough or macho enough. Around 2011 I made all these promises to myself. Like... shouldn't I be strong enough to overcome this. Shouldn't I be able to practice delaying urination for longer and longer times (despite the fact that delaying urination is the one thing I've never been able to do).
It's a lot tougher now to just "wear diapers and don't worry about it". I avoid most social situations now. I'm embarrassed to go to them with a diaper and a backpack, but I'm also embarrassed and scared to go without. I don't even know if I want to open the whole can of worms of what to do at work. That's a whole other thing in itself. I haven't worn diapers at work since 2011. I'm trying not to get into too much TMI here, but I will say that my coping mechanisms were never that great to begin with, but they've been working even less well lately.
I dunno. Life hasn't been all bad over the past ten years. Career in particular has actually been a bright spot. And really lots of things are better now than they were ten years ago. But bladder-wise? Worse. Social/isolation wise, due to bladder? Way worse. I think the isolation may actually be the worst of them all.
I don't know if I'm really trying to ask any specific question. If I were giving advice to myself, I would tell myself "Self: You've done an awesome job over the past ten years at getting your career into shape. Now it's time to spend some of that career capital, start wearing diapers at work again, and at least get to where the bladder stuff isn't a constant, everyday problem at the office." -- But that's scary!! In so many different ways!
Thank you so much to anyone who got this far.
Thank you, so very much.