www.incontinentsupport.org

Support for dealing with incontinence
It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 7:38 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Confiding with others
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 11:51 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:52 pm
Posts: 265
Location: Central Texas, USA
I’ve been incontinent all my life. I’m early 40’s, married, two sons, and have been sharing on this site for a few years. I’ve also found a friend here that has helped me feel a lot better about myself and my incontinence, to the point where my depression episodes all but disappeared while sharing with her. Unfortunately, my husband found out about my confiding with her and read my private posts with her. The short story is that he became angry about not being my confidante and a few other things. He doesn’t seem to get that though I love him beyond words, sometimes he doesn’t get women’s issues. I had found someone with whom I opened up about my issues and feelings, and felt a calm that I don’t always feel with discussing with him. As a result, I’ve fallen into a deep depression a few times since my husband asked me not to communicate with her. This I’m afraid is affecting our marriage and has shown me that he is very controlling and in many ways selfish. We barely speak of my incontinence issues like we used to and that makes me feel like a lot of our open communication we shared (about everything) is suffering badly.
I cut off all communication with her, as he requested, but now I feel like I’m in a dark box with the walls closing in. I love him dearly and cherish our family but I feel like exploding much of the time. As a result, my incontinence seems to have gotten worse, if that’s possible!
I could use a little encouragement.....


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 1:03 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 2:38 pm
Posts: 120
It's not the first time that you've mentioned that he's not respecting your boundaries. He had no right to read your private conversations. He doesn't own you. He should understand that as the only woman in the house you have a need to talk about some things with another woman who knows what it's like to be a woman; it's not infidelity to talk with a female friend about such things. Most women do - they talk about periods, pregnancy troubles and birth complications (including incontinence, even though yours predates that) with female friends and relatives. I'm sure he has male friends.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 1:11 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:33 pm
Posts: 1512
Location: MI
Has he shown interest in listening without judgement when you have to vent about a really trying day where things all go to crap with incontinence management? Is he able to listen without trying to fix it as us men tend to do? If the answer is no, then I really do think you need to find support outside your husband. It pains me to read that this is affecting communication in your marriage. You used to be so positive and upbeat about your situation, something I don't know I would be if I faced heavy to total loss of control. Ask him why it upsets him to confide in another person who goes through the exact same thing that you do. Elllyn, are there anything that he is faced that he feels that only another man who has gone through it would understand? if so, bring that up to him and point out that while you may not fully get what he goes through, you are there to listen and you support his need to talk with others in the same situation You got this. I will be praying for your situation. Has your husband ever cut you off when you started talking about it and said, I don't need all the details(like my mom does)? If he does, don't you find that a bit annoying? And then he wonders why you don't confide in him.

Keep on trucking.. you were so positive a few months back. Be sure to let him know WHY you need confidants other than him, and reestablish contact with your confidant. If necessary seek marriage counseling. This should not be affecting communication.

Hang in there.
Peace out!

Rob

_________________
"We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love" Mother Teresa

"THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!" - Captain Picard from Chain of Command, Part II


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 3:47 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:52 pm
Posts: 265
Location: Central Texas, USA
We own and operate a company in Texas but don’t typically work in the office together often. With that, I am unaware of many personal conversations that he has. Honestly, I think most men have an ‘I don’t need support from anyone ’ attitude where women are wired differently. It’s probably much my fault as I’ve depended on him for my emotional needs for as long as I can remember. It’s not that much has differed there but sometimes I need more. My mom has proven that she is unwilling or unable to provide emotional support so I’ve always depended on my husband. With this virus and business stress and distractions, I’ve needed something more. Though I’m 100% committed to my husband and family, I sometimes need a more gentle type of support for my very personal problems and issues. All I know is that I need something to change if this controlling behavior is to continue. I’m feeling suffocated right now! Maybe it’s my fault for now communicating the way I feel to him in words that he can understand.... Maybe I’m just damaged beyond repair


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 4:20 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:03 pm
Posts: 167
Ellyn,

Your many posts here have been valued and well received. You offer both supportive information to us and it's obvious many here have supported you in return. It's mutual.

Although open posting may not be as personal as one-on-one private messages or E-mail, we still share a lot of very specialized information here that many of our closer
friendships or relatives on the 'outside' may never come to know.

Being a participating member here sets us aside, in a way -- even from a spouse or an intimate friend. Yes, there can be a divide, even in the closest of relationships. Still,
I see no reason for expressions of anger or insertion of control over one's significant other when 'finding' very meaningful communications. I know this is true with other life altering
conditions, as well.

We are on your side. Some of us have been in your situation, too. Our support is the best encouragement we can offer. Let our lines of communication remain your lifeline
for now. Otherwise, seek professional counsel and remain positive!

John


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 7:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Mar 29, 2014 11:45 am
Posts: 1836
Add my support to those above. If I were to burden my family and friends with the issues my incontinence causes, they would soon see me as a tiresome hypochondriac. But I'm not Superman, and you are not Superwoman. Dealing intimately with a controlling personality when you are handicapped by your incontinence is a challenge indeed. Seeking professional help should not be seen as weakness; it may be the strongest, most profound thing you can do. Good luck and keep us informed.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2020 1:36 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu May 07, 2009 11:04 pm
Posts: 151
Location: Central CA
Ellyn I really hear what you are saying. I am a member of an all male support group. Most of us have been around each other for many years. We get together several times a week and take time to listen to each other and discuss the "what's going on with you" stuff. Guys share differently that women I guess...don't really know. In our little group, we all trust each other to be respectful of our safe space. What is said stays there. We share some pretty deep stuff and a lot of lighthearted antidotes. As a group we also get to check each other....sometimes hearing the "and what were you thinking man" words. I expect we know more about each other than our significant others do. Bottom line, it is very cathartic experience and helps us all see we are not so different and maybe even a bit more 'normal' than we think. Good luck.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2020 3:06 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:18 pm
Posts: 41
Location: Earth
I feel the pain in your words. Know that you are not alone and this forum is here for you.

Hugs,
Jenn


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2020 9:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2017 8:01 pm
Posts: 554
Location: Florida
Ellyn:
I was wondering if your husband has any problem with your participation on this forum and if not, why not? It seems that the fact of confiding in someone else, even this forum, would also be a problem for him. In addition, and depending on exactly what you had talked about with your friend, he may have felt that you have betrayed him by divulging something that he would be especially sensitive to, just one of those "guy things" that you might not have considered as a problem for him.

Please understand that I am not in any way defending his actions, as with the info you've given us they seem quite unwarranted. And I sincerely hope that you two can reconnect the lines of communication and get back to where you once were, whether that takes involving a therapist or just a lot of talk from both sides of this issue. Hopefully, once that is accomplished, he may come around to feeling OK with you having a female friend that you can confide in once again.

Finally, please keep us informed as we are here to try to help as best we can.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2020 11:06 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:52 pm
Posts: 265
Location: Central Texas, USA
Just a follow up on my marital friction lately.
Things seems to have blown over as far as my sharing personal issues with others. I explained my need to confide in others with similar incontinence issues and that in doing so, I continue value his opinions and strongly depend on his support, as always. I simply need outside support that have been there and understand my challenges.
I have struggled to dig my way out of depression recently and I think that my husband realizes my need to find my own way sometimes and that I don’t handle being controlled by anyone well. I love him dearly but I need space like everyone else.
I need this site to vent every now and then with people I know understands my hardships.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 43 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group