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 Post subject: Acceptance
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 9:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:52 pm
Posts: 265
Location: Central Texas, USA
Hi all!
My husband and I took the whole weekend to spend together as a family, something that doesn’t happen often. With the virus issues lately, many of the activities that tend to pull each of us in different (separate) directions has suddenly been canceled or put on hold. Even church was canceled yesterday, though live streaming was offered. Just not the same...
Anyway, Saturday morning we stopped at my mom’s house to drop off some groceries and other things and she was the normal loving but stern mom that I’ve always known. We stayed awhile, then went on to my dad’s home. Again, we had some special treats for him and my stepmom. While we were there, my dad wanted me to accompany him to the garden to chat. My thought was that he wanted to show me his new tractor or get advice about the garden, but I quickly realized that he just wanted to talk.
As a child, my dad drank a lot and wasn’t a happy drunk. He would come home angry and things usually went downhill from there. My parents divorced years ago and my dad was later forced to stop drinking due to liver and other health issues. What a change over the last 10+ years!! Well, apparently the drinking also caused other health issues as he told me that he went from occasional urine leakage issues to full on urine incontinence.
Though my mom never (never!) accepted my incontinence, she herself has had minor incontinence issues for much of her life, which I’ve known about but never understood why she was SO HARD ON ME for my leakage and need for diapers from childhood.
My dad on the other hand was a mean drunk but I knew he always loved me, though sometimes was difficult to see past his anger. Over the last 10-15 years, he has been nothing but kind, loving, and accepting of me, though I’ve been somewhat standoffish and maybe protective for much of that time. Well yesterday when he told me about his incontinence issues, all I could do is hug him and cry. The reality of it is that I feel so much closer to him now than mom, though I have to wonder if I haven’t felt that way for years anyway. I think that mom always wanted me to be her sweet, petite, perfect princess, but was somewhat disappointed in that I was “broken”. It was and still is obvious that she is ashamed of my need for diapers, though she herself uses pads! My dad has had his moments but for the most part, I have always felt loved.
I think that it’s time for a restart with my dad and enjoy the years that we can. Mom will always be mom, and I love her dearly, but I know she will always see me as damaged goods.


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 29, 2014 11:45 am
Posts: 1837
Your account is at once beautiful, realistic, and heartbreaking. Acceptance must cover many issues beyond incontinence for all of us. A stroke changed my mother from sadistic to helpless in a moment. But life is like that, and incontinence reminds us that we must accept and love ourselves first, and from that extend our love and acceptance to all whom we influence. Thank you for your insightful contribution.


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 12:03 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2017 8:01 pm
Posts: 554
Location: Florida
Ellyn:
As we get older we generally get a good bit wiser and that wisdom allows us to understand and sometimes even accept things that have happened to us in the past. In no way does this actually say that what happened previously was "right" but at least we can come to terms with it and move on in a positive way. Fortunately your parents are still alive and you can work on having a better relationship.


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 12:43 pm 
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Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2020 4:23 pm
Posts: 55
Location: Western Europe
It’s touching thank you. You had a hard childhood but thank God and your faith you could overcome this.

My mom also had minor incontinence issues that are becoming worse. She never accepted her own issues so it’s hard for her to accept mine. I don’t tell her everything, she just knows I have issues. In her mind diapers are for babies or seniors and she is neither of these. Even if she should wear diapers, she is ashamed of her need for them and she wear pads she has to change very often. She make it a rule to wake up every our to go to the bathroom. I can’t live that, even if I try to control a bit my daytime issues too.
Maybe it’s the same for your mom, she doesn’t accept her own fate so she doesn’t accept yours too.

I’m glad you can make a new start with your dad. Mine passed away so I have to wait my own death for this restart (I’m in no rush to die).


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:11 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:52 pm
Posts: 265
Location: Central Texas, USA
From what I know, my mom has a relatively minor “stress” type leakage issue, likely due to child birth, though could be getting worse with age, though she doesn’t talk about it, for any number of reasons. She’s in her early sixties now where my dad just turned 65.
I had an incident with flooding and ultimate leakage over the Christmas holiday, which in itself was much more than embarrassing.... My mom was in the room at the time and when she saw what had happened, she didn’t quietly or gently try to help me but instead pulled me up from the sofa and forcefully pulled me into the hall bathroom, like a child. It wasn’t bad enough to leak on a leather sectional, but to be yanked up in front of family and next to dragged to the bathroom was more than crazy embarrassing. I guess I was in some kind of shock as I don’t remember anything people said, including my mom. I just sobbed alone in the bathroom as my mom went to get my bag. When I got cleaned up and changed, I felt horrible and apologized to my brother-in-law and explained to as few as possible with as few words as possible what had happened. I believe people were being kind to me by down playing the whole incident. I was counting seconds before we could leave for home. None of my family has mentioned a word about it since.
I’ve stayed in cloth as much as possible since and am very cautious when in a disposable, though the Supremes seem to absorb a lot, very quickly.
One note though - lesson learned!!! I have used Tena pads inside disposable diapers a lot when I’m out as a booster. For normal to heavy leakage, it does a great job increasing capacity when changing and discreetness is an issue. It works best while standing too, though not so well when sitting for long periods, like in a car.... The pad gets saturated then overflows into the diaper when I flood. The leak guards are apparently unable to contain the fluid in a small area and a leak occurs. I think I’m better off with just the diaper while in the car on long trips. In Texas, no major cities are close to our home.


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2020 3:36 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:18 pm
Posts: 41
Location: Earth
I can see how an Abena M4 would leak if you are using a tena pad as a booster. The leak guards on a M4 aren't very tall and if a pad is thick enough to be even with the leak guards I can see how a sudden gush would overflow the diaper. A Dry24 or Better Dry diaper has very tall leak guards in comparison and I think would be better suited to thicker booster pads. I experienced a similar leak when I used a tena overnight pad as a booster in a northshore supreme. The flared end of the pad was wide enough to touch the side of the leak guards and was about as tall. I never had a problem when I use a proper booster pad because there is space around the pad to allow any runoff to be caught by the diapers padding.


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2020 11:17 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:47 pm
Posts: 61
Location: NC
So sorry about all this. People should be more understanding. especially towards family members. Lack of understanding is usually the root of their lack of empathy.


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 Post subject: Re: Acceptance
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2020 3:35 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:48 pm
Posts: 192
if you are using a plastic backed pad as a booster pad that is not the best you need to ask your diaper company about a regular booster pad that dont have the plastic backing on them so you get the true flow threw that a booster will give you think of it this way if you take the garden hose and spray the wall it sprays right back on you the wall being the plastic back on the pads you are using now spray the screen and you still get some water back on you but i would guess 95% goes threw the booster right on in to the diaper behind it and less sprays back on you and leaks out over the guards also you will have less bulk or should anyway hope you can understand what i have said here


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