www.incontinentsupport.org

I'm not sure how to approach this topic,but why do I feel somewhat guilty because I have poor bladder control? I have dry days and wet days. Sometimes several days in a row with either situations. When I have dry days, I think why can't this always be the case? I start thinking it might be a mental issue. Am I lazy? I have had bladder problems for most of my life, but they are so inconsistent. Although, since my combined diverticulotomy/prostatectomy there seem to be more wet days. I just wish I could get over the guilt feelings I have, and accept what it is and get on with life. Just a little venting here, I guess.

dp66, you have so much company here with those thoughts. We all share them or have shared them.

Your medical and health situation is something over which you have no control and is not your “fault.” Although we respect the sensitivities of the many who are embarrassed about their condition, acceptance is a critical step to coping with incontinence. Your bladder or bowel leakage does not make you any less of a mature adult. The range of feelings experienced by those who are newly or recently incontinent often includes humiliation, insecurity, anger, shame, embarrassment, depression, hopelessness, and guilt. Yes, guilt. Guilt is a surprising trait experienced by many as if they somehow are personally responsible for their medical condition (and they are not!). Many report that having incontinence leads to a lowered self-esteem and a sense of loss of control. These emotions are normal, but are very powerful. We should be aware that we are not alone in experiencing these reactions as they commonly are experienced by most with incontinence.

My friend, feel free to vent because we all do and need to do so from time to time. Despite what I wrote above, I am not exempt from the emotional side of incontinence. You are not alone.

--John
(double incontinent)

dp, I'm sorry that you're having a rough day. Thanks for reaching out to us and venting your frustration. That's part of what we all (and Schoppy for his proactive insight in setting up and maintaining the forum) are here for. Could your guilt feelings about your incontinence possibly have come from thinking that you disrespected your body in some way and now you're paying the price? I have diabetes and have had a stroke and a heart attack. The diabetes and stroke have had a worsening effect on my incontinence, and sometimes I feel like this happened to me because I ate a candy bar once in a while - the worst thing I ever did to or put into my body. I'm not a medical provider and I've never had male anatomy, but I think prostate surgery often causes urinary incontinence. Have you discussed your incontinence with your PCP/surgeon/urologist?

W.

I think my biggest issue is that I thought I was in pretty good shape for a "geezer"...72 yrs. old. Except for the history of bladder problems, I was a fairly good athlete. I used to run 10 miles per day, and although not big in stature I could hold my own in a number of sporting activities. Once I got older, all kinds of health issues became more and more apparent...heart failure being the most concerning. I know just because you thought you were in pretty good shape at one time in your life, it doesn't always continue as you age. Yes, all my doctors know of my incontinence issues, and they are fairly supportive of my form of management. Probably more so than me. I also want to mention how much I appreciate this forum. Many of you have more serious health issues than I have. Sometimes, even though you know there is a lot of support out there, it's good to hear it again at times. It helps a lot. Thanks.

I guess, for me, not all guilt is the same. Although I no longer feel guilt caused by my incontinence, itself, I do feel guilt occasionally when my incompetence at managing it gives me an accident. Bowel and bladder spasms remind me that much of my incontinence is way beyond my control; what I can control is my response. A childhood brain injury guaranteed that I would never be an athlete, so there are no good old days for me to remember. I do take pride in managing a medical condition that would make many otherwise able-bodied folks housebound.

well said!

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I'm one of those that only started having to deal with this recently and I definitely have experienced, and am still experiencing, that wide range of emotions. Guilt is definitely one of the strongest emotions and along with it comes denial. Not knowing exactly what's causing my issues, even if I have an idea of what it might be, certainly doesn't help. From the copious amount of reading I've done, it seems most incontinent people have at least some control, and I think that's what really feeds into the guilt since, at least for me, it really does seem like I could just "try harder." Yet I can try to hold it all I'd like when my bladder decides to have some spasms and the only result is going to be more pain. Post-micturation dribble is still going to happen even if I take 10 minutes each time I go to the bathroom. And so on and so forth. Telling myself stuff like this helps remind myself that this is indeed "real" but it doesn't get rid of the emotions, it just helps me deal with them.

It's definitely a good thing there are resources like this forum to help combat the loneliness and isolation caused by incontinence. I've been reading this forum for months and have learned a lot. The biggest thing is that I'm not alone in dealing with this and even my symptoms aren't particularly unique. That reassurance helped me see my doctor and get some tests to at least rule out some obvious problems, though I have yet to be willing to see a urologist. It has also helped me feel like I'm not crazy for simply trying to cope as best I can with my issues for now and trying to live my life.

outofmemoryerror,

Please, if your PCP and health insurance agree, make an appointment with a urologist who is comfortable dealing with incontinence issues. It will be time and money well spent.

“The range of feelings experienced by those who are newly or recently incontinent often includes humiliation, insecurity, anger, shame, embarrassment, depression, hopelessness, and guilt.“

I, like most of us here, have gone through all of these emotions, including others, though I believe depression is the by-product of these emotions. Depression, for whatever reason or reasons can be so overwhelming and energy draining! I get into such a dark place that makes ordinary life activities near impossible.
Fortunately, I have a family that is so very supportive and usually gives me the space and time to move through the tunnel
For me, a trigger can be as simple as leaking on the floor while changing after a difficult day, and the subsequent cleanup. Another major trigger (continues to be) stressful conversations with my parents about my incontinence.... Some may recall my sharing of how I was physically abused by my dad and how my mom made my life MISERABLE as I was growing up with chronic leakage issues. Obviously I try to avoid the subject with them!!
Sometimes I get into a ‘damaged goods’ thing or feel insecure for whatever reason. Being able to talk to my husband who has always seemed to be “in tune” with my feelings is so important to me.

Ellyn said "I, like most of us here, have gone through all of these emotions, including others, though I believe depression is the by-product of these emotions."

So very true. The physical aspects of incontinence are only part of the challenge we must face. In my opinion, the greater challenge is the emotional side.

Those who have not walked in our shoes, including most friends and family, have difficulty understanding this. I read this forum almost every single day, although I usually do not post anything. That is because I find some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my feelings in dealing with my own incontinence.

A face-to-face support group on incontinence would be valuable, but most of us do not have one in our communities. ISC provides the next best thing. So, take advantage of it. Ask questions and vent. Venting is a positive way to deal with our emotions.

--John