www.incontinentsupport.org

I’ve not seen this subject discussed and can see where it could get out of control very easily. For that reason, I’m more than okay if this post gets deleted.
I’ve been married for over 15 years and have two amazing boys. I have been incontinent for nearly my whole life, so my husband and I have managed to deal with my incontinence during intimacy.
Unfortunately, spontananity doesn’t generally work well for us as there’s a certain amount of preparation and precautions necessary. I always try to use the bathroom prior and we use a flannel covered underpad and/or sometimes a disposable underpad. We always have a towel or diaper nearby. If I begin to urinate during, we don’t generally stop, depending on the flow, just contain.
Being that I have used diapers before and since meeting him, he is used to seeing me in a diaper and obviously accepts it. There have been times when he will help me change but I am more comfortable managing it myself. My point being that no special attention is focused on the diaper. Likewise, it isn’t ignored in that it’s part of my normal wardrobe and life.
During the day, I try to conceal the diaper, which is a little more challenging with cloth, but I’m usually in a dress then and usually will have some type of compression panty on over the diaper bulge and noise. At night however, I don’t conceal at all, which at first made me a little uncomfortable but soon became okay. Obviously I wear a robe in the evening but the plastic pants are usually noticeable when moving about. The boys are aware of my issues.
I can only hope that all here have found comfort in dealing with incontinence with the people around them. I believe that acceptance is at least 50% of the management of the issues.

Ok... interesting question. I live for over 20 years toghter with my wive and we had a lot lows and highs. One of the biggest lows was the beginning of my UIC. But this was something that was definetly on me but on her - not for the reason that it happens but for the reason how I dealt with it.

When all had began I started to feel incomplete, disabled and worthless and get realy deep depressed about my situation. Also the continuous cramps made me really feel bad - so I did't had even thought about that for first two years. And - even worse - I started to withdrawn from my wive because of my situation and started to isolate myself. This was really a bad time for both of us. Luckily she did'd gave me up, and over the time I make it to manage my situation and get back my self-confidence. Looking back my depression was the most complicated part to deal with and I still feel guilty knowing how much I hurt her by rejecting her help and withdrawing me while she just tried to help me. It was just that I wasn't be able to handle it and I wasn't able to talk about my feelings.

So I'm not sure how this works for others, and it's probably completely different if you come into relationship where one or both allready suffering from incontinence or if not. But anyway - I did't talk that much with others about that but my feeling is - maybe because of my own experience - that the psychological parts is the much more complicated ones then the physical - that can mostly be fixed easily with a toilet visit beforhand, some towels and a protected bed.

I agree that going into the relationship with full openness about my condition was very positive for our relationship.
I was also very clear about how our closeness would be affected, though my leakage issues were very different then, and very minor in comparison to lately.
Further, I was a withdrawn college girl when we met. He pulled me out of my shell and made me feel better about myself. I had a few very bad experiences with men before that and as a result, my self esteem and confidence was shattered. Fortunately though my GPA excelled because I put everything into academics. I met my husband toward the end of college and blossomed!
It took awhile to feel comfortable in front of him in a diaper but in a way maybe that experience made us much closer because of the way he made me feel.
I would like to think that if I developed incontinence during our marriage, he would have been just as supportive and sweet.

Lots can be said on this, of course. It's a very private matter and should be.

I've been in a relationship where both myself and my female partner were incontinent.
To that extent, our use of diapers was not a secret nor a curiosity.

Did that make it easier for us? Hard to say. The positives and the negatives probably
balanced each other over time.

The main takeaway was that intimacy IS possible and was not avoided or dismissed.
Not only was intimacy possible, it was enjoyable in most cases and the enjoyment
was shared.

Incontinence was not overlooked or denied, nor did it become the center of focus.
Initially, it was seen as a common issue and perhaps a certain bonding happened then
when a lot of the initial embarrassments were lessened to some extent.

But in the long run.....

the center of focus was our mutual attraction to each other...as persons, not as
'incontinents' or diaper users.

My wife is understanding and treats my diapers like any other aid i.e. glasses, cane, hearing aid etc.
Sometimes she jokes that its comforting that I wear diapers because I could never leave her since no other woman could accept a man with diapers. I do appreciate her humor.
All kidding aside, we feel that affection is more important than sexual relations.
We are affectionate quite often and that keeps us close and the chemistry going.
Being intimate is a challenge because of all the preparations
I change out of my wet diaper
I choose to take a shower before hand.
I put on a new diaper. I am never sure if we have sex after this so I put on a new diaper and let my wife decide.
Its quite a process and spontaneity is difficult.
Often, after I am done with the setup, we don't have sex. We just cuddle and spend time together. That is good for me too.
The diapers don't bother her. I think that waiting around for me to take my shower is the culprit.

This is one of the hardest parts of this. Incontinence is new to our relationship and has drastically changed everything. It is inspiring to hear that of others that manage this together. I can not yet talk about it. I don’t feel attractive, I struggle. I would love to explore cloth diapers but I can’t imagine how that works. Intimacy is so difficult. I don’t like how I look. Funny, I see the ads on tv and I don’t feel confident the way the portray that. I need a huge amount of protection. I don’t feel discreet! Especially when I am trying to make sure I don’t leak or mess!

I strongly believe that you need to be confident in yourself before you can start to feel comfortable around others. Confidence is a state of mind that is influenced by those around us, but ultimately it’s a decision that we make. Depression has EVERYTHING to do with confidence.
Honestly, I believe that you don’t need to be around others in cloth diapers if you lack confidence. It’s completely possible to conceal cloth, especially for women I think, but practice, good fashion sense, and ‘confidence’ are essential.
I’d stick with disposables and compression to start if you lack confidence. You can work your way into cloth later if you choose.
Personally, I’m in cloth most of the time and am generally very comfortable with my appearance. There again, I’ve been incontinent nearly my whole life, but trust me when I tell you that my teen years were very hard.
Confidence begins at home. Acceptance by your family, people that love you is essential. If you don’t have acceptance, you’ll likely never be confident.
Hang in there! I’m here to tell you that life is GREAT and that incontinence is a very minor issue if you allow it to be.

This is so true but even that hard to overcome this circle...

For me it took really a long time... Maybe half a year after my problems started I found a local support group (what actually also was an idea of my wive...) and - it might sound stupid, but it was easier to talk with people with similar problems about that but with my wive that I loved for so long and with who I share such a long time of my live.

One of the things helping me, was to get more awareness for small feelings off success that I reached while trying to improve my continence and also to realice that this is not only "binary". But I think the secret of success for the return of our sexual live was, that I overcame my fears to talk with her about my own intimate fears and wishes and to ask about her's. I mean we know each other for a long time - but it was probably as it is often in long time relation ships - somewhen you stop talking about things like that - what might be a big mistake at all. How ever I learned that I was still attractive to her and that her care wasn't just compassion - what was my biggest fear and it was really important for me to get this feedback. I learned also a couple of new thinks about her and I think in the end we maybe have now a deeper relationship then before.

LucOllie,
I don’t find cloth to be difficult once you find the right product. I’ve tried Pull-ons (which weren’t absorbent enough), All-in-ones (which generally have polyurethane laminate (PUL) cover), and Prefolds. I like prefolds the best. They’re essentially just a flat, thick piece of fabric. Mine are Velcro. I don’t have the dexterity for pins. My prefolds require plastic pants. As far as cloth diapers, I suggest you shop around. Caution: just buy one diaper at a time. They can be expensive. If you hate them, you’re not out a lot of money. The good news is once you find the ones that work for you, you’re all set. If you buy quality diapers, they should last quite a while. As far as care goes, I like Pinterest (social media app). If you search cloth diapers, there are hundreds of “pins” out there talking about how to care for them. I had a leg up as my wife and I used cloth on our three children. I wash my laundry every day. Some people say every 3 days. But they can start to smell. I don’t use bleach. Do NOT use fabric softener (it can repel liquids causing diapers to leak). If the diapers get stained, sunlight will bleach them naturally. Just lay them out for a few hours. You may read some crazy things where people put Dawn dish soap in their washer with their diapers. This is horrible for your washer. It will destroy it. The dish soap washes the natural lubricants off your washer and will cause “suds-lock”. I wash my plastic pants by hand and hang them to dry. It’s all pretty easy actually. They are bulky but I hide them with loose clothing. My wife says it’s a little “poofy” but it’s not overly noticeable and I wear them thick to accommodate my heavy incontinence. If I need more protection, I just add more layers of fabric. And it’s much more comfortable for me over disposables. Less garbage too.

Hi Don
I agree with everything that you said. I however don’t hang diapers out to dry. Don’t like others knowing my business.... I use chlorox2 and small amount of regular chlorox occasionally when needed. Always hot water.