www.incontinentsupport.org

So long story short I dont wear protection. However I have a husband that does. I need help and advise.

He has been doing the online support group for 5 years and hates wearing diapers. He is depressed and feels wearing diapers is a crush to his ego.

However before his medical condition he had a diaper fetish. So within a month time he went from Loving them to wearing them 24/7 and hating them.

I have been nothing but supportive and encouraging. I listen to him when he needs to vent. I am his shoulder to cry on. He still feels like he needs to be around others who wear them even though his support group is getting in his words "toxic".

In the last five years he has gone through episodes that he hates himself to the point that he wants to be raped. He has sought out people because he wants to feel on the outside the way he does on the inside.

He says his cheating behaviors are due to the incontinence and his crushed ego because he has to wear diapers. He is in counseling but I'm thinking there is much more to this.

I am asking you men out there to chime in and give me your thoughts...
Is wearing diapers so traumatic it makes you want to be raped?
I'm scared I'm loosing my husband. I hear the horror stories of partners leaving because they cant cope. I can cope with this part... I cant cope with the cheating?
What do I need to do to be a truly supportive wife so he feels he does'nt need to turn to other people for intimacy and support? Please help?

J960, Unfortunately there is probably little you can do that you have not already done. Your husbands problem goes way beyond what you can do to help him. He has to come to terms with dealing with his life. Counseling is a good step - but only if he truly wants help and the counsellor is good at his/her job. You said he had a diaper fetish before being hit with incontinence. That indicates a deep problem from his past that HE has to address, not you. One would think that having a diaper fetish and then having to wear diapers would be an easy transition. The reality though is that the two are worlds apart. The fetish is, as fetishes are, something that brings excitement or joy or pleasure or whatever. Having no choice of wearing diapers because of incontinence takes away those feelings. Most here can tell you of the devastation we felt when we were forced to wear diapers again and dealing with a whole truck load of emotions.
You seem to not only be a strong and loving partner but one with great patients. It is very hard to care so much and be frustrated with not being able to "make things right". I lost my wife to cancer and felt a failure because no matter what I did and no matter how much I prayed I did not save her. Some things are beyond our greatest efforts. However things turn out for you, you will always know you gave it all you had. He has to make things right, not you. Can any advice help? I do not know. Make sure you take care of your self as you try to take care of him. THIS is his struggle, and yes I know yours too, but he has to make an effort equal to yours. Stay true to yourself and I hope in the end he realizes what a friend he has in you. Papa

Hi there

I am a male in my late 30's in response to the questions:-

Wearing diapers in no way has made me feel I want to be abused by others. In fact wearing diapers has been the best thing to have happened to me the emotional bit was hard though. I now have control over my incontinence rather than the other way round I feel so free as a result. Diapers are just underwear with padding. Have you ever worn diapers if so that might help give an insight.

Volunteering at community groups can also help especially if those in attendance are a lot worse off. I occasionally help out at a local hospice makes all my problems go away. You might together want to start new hobby, start a project (home refurb etc), have a childish moment such as big water fight to relieve those pressure moments. learn a music instrument, do tai chi this all might help occupy those dark times. I joined a local walking group and they could not be more friendly and made me appreciate the benefits of wearing diapers being in the open countryside they even adjust the route for those in attendance to meet the various needs of the group and this allows me to change with dignity. Perhaps you both could start something similar.

You might want to extract your partner from his current surroundings for a period of time perhaps visit old happy haunts or go on a long vacation well away. Even suggest he move here his councillors can assist with any grief issues that happen.

Others here male and female have been wearing diapers for a lot longer than I have so I do hope the community can come together to support you both through the tough times you are facing together.

Take care and make sure that you or another looks after you too. You are doing such a great job in fact I do so admire you for what you are doing keep your chin up support is all you can give.

Kind regards

Greenbank

j960,

You are in a difficult situation and are a wonderful wife for seeking help for your husband!

Your husband's response to his incontinence does not fit within the common range of emotional reactions. So-called "normal" reactions include anger, denial, anxiety, stress, loneliness, and depression. Feelings of anxiety and generalized depression are very common reactions.

I am double incontinent, that is, both bowel and bladder incontinence. As have all of the members in this group, I have suffered through a range of emotions. However, your husband's reaction seems extreme. Having been an AB/DL does not account for his current emotions. It would be prudent to seek professional counseling.

You may wish to tactfully mention to your husband that, despite his AB/DL leanings, wearing adult diapers for incontinence is not childish. Refusing to be adult about dealing with the problem is.

As greenback has noted, becoming involved in positive experiences can be a great help in fighting anxiety and depression.

Similarly, avoid negative or "toxic" situations or people.

Below I am listing some common tips in fighting depression:

Daily exercise is important in fighting depression, despite the annoyance than wearing diapers can cause.

Become involved in something you find interesting that you find creative or artistic.

Don't allow yourself to become socially isolated. Stay involved with friends, church, interest groups, etc. Stay involved with activities outside the home.

Seek out a local face-to-face incontinence support groups.

Find an online "pen-pal."

"Think it through." Mentally image what you fear worse about incontinence and visualize how you will handle it. For example, what if you have an accident in public, or what if someone asks whether you are wearing a diaper? Thinking about it and planning for it can reduce stress.

I have no medical training, so these are just my personal thoughts.

Good luck,
--John

What your husband is doing is pretty frightening. You need to make sure you take care of yourself. If he is having sex with other people, particularly violent sex. The risk of STDs are really high. What you are describing does not seem in line with people whom are incontinent or even completely in line with the Abdl community. It seems masochist in tendency. I'm guessing some people may get a masochistic pleasure from wearing diapers. I would recommend looking into some masochism support groups for help. With the severity of his behavior you may also want to consider that he may. Be using substances. I am also wondering if his incontinence may be self induced, which may add to the guilt and frustration. I am glad he is getting counseling but may need more you may look into medications or even more intensive services through a community mental health program. Number one though watch out for yourself. If it becomes to much you may want to think about separation to keep yourself safe.

Yikes, well first get yourself safe and tested if he is having sex outside your union. Then encourage him to get counseling that deals with all of these issues. Maybe talk to his counselor, even though his/her responses to you are limited by patient confidentiality. Maybe he needs a more intensive residential program to address his needs? Something isn't adding up, so you should definitely start involving medical professionals who are more highly trained than us.

Finally, if things fall apart, and I hope that they don't, you can take solace in knowing you gave it 110% and rest easy.

As others have stated, becoming newly incontinent can usher a cacophony of powerful emotions ranging from shame to fear to anger to sorrow to depression to self-pity. But self-destructive behavior as you describe that also harms others he presumably cares for (spouse/family), is not within that range. And if his counseling group is labeling him as "toxic", then something is terribly wrong.

First, take care to protect yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) and any children still living with you. Next, suggest that he engage the help of others including spiritual counsel as well as competent psychiatric care.

Losing control of one's body is devastating. Losing control of one's concern for self and for others is exponentially destructive.

Praying for you all ...

Thank you all,

To answer some of your questions all at once...

1. He was diagnosed with IC and has a very small bladder.
2. He was diagnosed 5 year ago and still has these issues. I get being first diagnosed and going through the stages of grief. We have been through these over and over.
3. I'm glad he has a counselor. What lead him to stray in his words was that he needed to meet new people who get him and understand what he is going through. But then he created a private email address to find those other people. My fear is he will keep searching as long as he is online "finding support". It was through the support group that he met his BF.
4. Someone mentioned that he may have been raped as a child and those feelings of self-destruction is common. I fear you may be right. I was raped and I know those self defeated feelings. He has never mentioned anything even when he knows my past. It is possible he may not remember. But what you said made perfect sense.
I thank you all for your support and advice. I truly appreciate everything. I can honestly say I know I am in a tough position being hurt and betrayed but I still feel he needs my help and guidance. I would do anything for him except letting him cheat again. But you are all right, I need to take care of myself first.
Thank you all

You may want to look into a local Nami group. They often have support for families of people with mental illness

I'm going to take a shot here. He's feeling undesirable, and if he can find someone that wants him badly enough to "take it" from him, he must be desirable at some level.

It seems like you're doing everything right, but you're going to have difficulty helping him fill that desire. He probably expects that you HAVE to accept him, so you can't be trusted to truely give him an unbiased appraisal of his desirability.

I can't speak to his frame of mind directly, but I may have more information/suggestions that you might find helpful, but that I'm not willing to post on the open internet. If you're interested, send me a private message.