www.incontinentsupport.org

The first urologist I saw was an asshole in general.....the first time he saw me in a pull-up he said pointedly (in front of my wife and I) "why are you wearing THAT???" I was seething mad.......the second urologist saw me in a pull-up and said nothing at all. And the third urologist saw me in a tape on diaper with a foley in (I always wear a diaper over my catheter to catch mucous, small leaks and just in case of the minor bowel incidents that I've had over the last few months) so.....in short do what you have to do!!!! It's YOU that has to live with this NOT THEM!!!! If they ask you why you're wearing it, you say what I said....."I leak and I don't like being wet!!!" But really you don't owe ANYBODY an explanation!!!

Thanks to everyone that replied. I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days and i came to the realization that I don't need to push too hard to find all the solutions right this second. The doctor in my opinion is not well versed in what I have and that may have a hand in it. Either way, I will try not to take there suggestions personally and remember, I am making the best decision for me in my situation.

Rope, I have had the same experience. When I first started having problems I asked the VA doctor about having protection prescribed and his response was "you want diapers, I will give you diapers" in a what seem to be a demeaning voice. What a humiliating experience, all I wanted to do was to get out of that office. I know I will never see this doctor again as I will walk out if it is his turn for a patient. As if this condition wasn't embarrassing enough. I too looked at the medicine I was taking for an enlarged prostrate and bladder spasms and both of them had warnings of drowsiness. So I looked at all my other meds and I had 7 meds saying may or will cause drowsiness. So even through the two meds did help a little, I was a walking zombie at work and had a difficult time waking up in the morning. So what is worse wearing protection or being a zombie. I chose the protection. So for now I wear pull ups and I cannot wait for winter to get here. This is the first summer I am having to wear these things and they are hot and uncomfortable. I know I am preaching to choir on that last sentence.

I think the doctor problem you had, Batman, is caused by the belief doctors have that they really ought to be able to treat conditions like this - and they do with any drugs there are available. They can't take the idea that it is better to concede defeat in terms of trying to sure the problem and just getting on with life and using protection.

The odd thing is that there is no such concept when treating people with paralysis. No, in that case it's a 'well there isn't anything we can do - enjoy the wheelchair!' which is in marked contrast to the use of diapers which are, obviously, a substitute for normal living like a wheelchair. In the UK we don't generally do diapers (nappies) as doctors prefer any but. For men it's sheaths (external catheters) that they generally get males to use followed closely by intermittent catheters.

In the case of the doctor you saw, maybe he is a bit embarrassed at not being able to offer anything better that nappies...

Unfortunately, these responses make it so hard for people to go to doctors and lend to the shame . I remember seeing a billboard that "Diapers are for babies, not ladies," and thought, what if one of the people that goes to that urologist cannot find a cure or answer? What if diapers are the only way she can manage? Are you seriously demeaning her and calling her a baby?

When I went in to get a hemorrhoid checked, my doctor, who knows I have OAB saw my tape-on diaper and asked with sadness in his voice, "You have to wear a pad?" I was very embarrassed and explained my situation again to him because I had asked him in my first meeting not to put it on my record because I did not want my parishioners to know, so I guess he forgot the details from my first visit.

It gets easier each time, but it is extremely taxing when you sense the judgement as though you are being lazy, foolish, or infantile for dealing with your incontinence in that manner.

I agree with you Wheels. No one thinks twice about people wearing glasses/contacts. I don't see the same stigma and people demanding lasic surgery. I like your term, "substitute for normal living"

Early in my odyssey, I had a few medical "professional" headaches. One urologist in particular told me that I didn't need a diaper, that a diaper was "overkill", and that I could "just use tissue to catch any leaks!" Talk about trying to shame me! WOW! I thought, "Are you kidding me? You have no idea!". Needless to say I was done with him real fast.

Current uro is quite good in that he stated he could run a whole bunch of tests, cause a whole bunch of discomfort and pain, and not really get to the bottom of the problem. He then asked if I was "ok with management by diapers" as opposed to trying everything under the sun with no guarantees. Since I am "ok" with things as they are (not happy about it, just "ok"), he just let things be. He ran a few baselines and then asked me to see him if things change or an urgent problem comes up (e.g., UTI). Great doc!

My chiropractor was quite professional about things. At the time, I was too ashamed to say anything in advance to him. And I was hoping he would not find out; as if that would really happen. Then, while trying to do his chiropractic adjusting, his hand kept slipping as he pressed on my nylon shirt because it was sliding on the smooth plastic of my diaper. So he lifted my shirt out of the way and pulled the belt line of my pants down. He was expecting to place his hand on the skin in the small of my back; instead, he placed his hand on the diaper backing and adjusted away. *ugh*. I was mortified. Nevertheless, he "matter-of-factually" asked if there was anything he should know. I gave him the quick run down, he noted it, and that was it. He hasn't brought it up since.

Like Tarlton mentioned, it was taxing at first. But now that a diaper is just "underwear", if a medical person gives me grief, I move on to the next. Until they've lived through the ordeal, they don't really know. On a side note, the orthopedic surgeon that did my hip replacements (which is what triggered my incon journey) recently had to have a hip replaced himself. Afterwards, he implemented a number of changes in his hip/knee replacement protocols based on his own experiences. And these are changes that his own patients and staff have been asking him to do. What a difference when he had to "live through the ordeal" himself.

I wonder if there are any urologists who are incontinent themselves ... I wonder how would they treat their patients?

I haven't had the poor experience yet that all of you have been talking about. My one experience with my primary when we brought it up for the first time was "Ok. Well, we will start with simple tests and go from there to figure it out." She was very professional and matter of fact. She didn't bat an eye when we brought it up. Now going forward I have no idea what to expect.

I can say I am worried about the medical profession as a culture. Every ad I see for prescriptions state "Only your medical professional can determine what is right for you." I must say I would love it to add "and you" in there. As stated before, doctor's know medicine, we know our bodies. Doctor's know anatomy and how the body works, we know us. We have to have a say in what treatment happens to us. My last doctor would give me his diagnosis and treatment options and let me decide what was best. I liked that. I wish I could still see him. But, we moved away and it really isn't feasable to go there all the time.

_________________
"Why is the rum always gone?" - Captain Jack Sparrow

"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise." -
Gore Vidal

Sorry for dragging up this old thread but I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and have thought of the perfect example of what we have to deal with sometimes.
When we were expecting our first child, the OBGYN, neonatal nurses, the L&D nurses all stressed to us how much better Brest feeding or baby would be. They never said anything rude or belittling but it felt like a way to shame us to do this. Just after they were born, we did try but my wife's milk would not come fast enough and we asked for the formula. Again, they tried to pressure us but we ended up going with the formula.
This turned out to be the right choice for us. This way, I could take part of the feedings and bond with our children. Also my wife was not totally drained from being the only one to feed. Then when she went back to work, it would have been too difficult to pump at work through out the day, store it and then bring it all back home.
The medical staff is correct that Brest milk is better for the baby but it was not the best option for us. I think some doctors do the same thing when looking at how to manage incontince.
The medical community sees diapers and the goal to stay away from be cause its better to be normal. And for some if not most, this may be true. There are times when it is not and the WHOLE picture must be looked at. Take me for example, I prefer diapers because the only real side effects is an emotional part and the ocational rash. Their solution involves pills(with side effects), surgeries, implants, exercises and so on and for what, the hope for "improvement" in symptoms? With my occupation and lifestyle, an "improvement" was not going to get me where I needed to be. Not to mention the fact it was not enough to get me out of some form of protection. So the way I saw it, go with the diapers(that was going to be there anyways) and end the poison and butchering. It was right for me. Maybe I have not conveyed my personal goals or points of view but they also never ask why. They are only focused on what a book says or what they have been thought and are just unable to look outside their own little box of how things should be. If I had put my life completely in their hands, I would have had to quit my job for something where access to a bathroom was just a moment away, limited activities with my family and so on. Don't get me wrong, it was not all about me, if I had quit, our family income would have taken a big hit and we would not be able to afford our home and other things we are use to. Also I would have lost my insurance and retirement. It was not worth it to me to do all that. And unless a doctor ask about it, they don't know or even more accuracy does not care.

Sorry for the ramblings and the long post. It was just on my mind and helped to make things more clear I am doing what's best.

Rope

Rope, I can relate to the breast feeding analogy, the same thing happened to my wife and we ended up doing formula for both kids. We have to do what's right for us. We need to not be afraid to be assertive with our doctors. Just cause we aren't doctors doesn't mean we don't know our own bodies. Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself, nobody else is going to advocate for you!!

Rope, you and everybody else on this forum have a great outlook on how to cope with these problems and helping the newbie get advice. Since I go to the VA my doctors are always changing for urology. The doctor I had yesterday actually understood what I was saying about being drowsy all the time when taking the meds. He didn't try to force other meds on me either. The one thing he mentioned was some type of implant, but I quickly responded with lets wait until I am 60 or so for that and that was it the appointment was over.