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Good Morning,
This is my first post so please excuse my rambling as it is quite long.
For as long as I can remember I have had problems with my gut. Pain, diarrhea, constipation, and leakage. The leakage was minor, but I never wore light colored pants just in case. I was diagnosed with IBS and lived with it the best I could.
A few days after my 38th birthday, on the way home from dinner I was struck with the most intense abdominal pain I have ever had. A few hours later I am in the hospital with my first bought of diverticulitis, but not my last. After many more weeklong hospitals stays for this recurring problem I had a laparoscopic sigmoid colectomy. I felt great for about a year following this procedure. Although I still had occasional bouts of IBS, the intense pain was gone.
About a two and a half years ago I started having what seemed like incontinence in my bowels. I would get a sudden urge and little time to act on it. I started having accidents. I began using one of my wife’s maxi pads to help with the leakage and unexpected light incontinence. This worked for a little while as I visited my doctors, both pcp and my GI specialist. They both were great in trying to help. I had a number of tests, many of which were quite unpleasant. They couldn’t figure out what was going on.
I tried a slew of diets, medications and exercise. The diets and exercise helped me lose weight and feel good, the medicines did not help and the side effects were not worth it. My incontinence has since gotten worse. I the past year I have to up my protection. I realized my wife’s pads were no longer able to help, so I bought some pull up pants (as much as I dreaded the idea of wearing a diaper) at the drug store.
My wife pointed out that they were for protection and no one needed to know. She’s been great through out this whole ordeal. I liked the pull ups at first, I was able to use the bathroom as usual and still had protection from my unexpected bowel movements. I had many minor incidents that had not been that big an issue, I guess I was lulled in to a false sense of confidence.
I had finally come to terms with needing protection, the pull ups gave me freedom and confidence to go out in public again. I was doing fairly well managing my issues. I was still able to make it to the bathroom 90% of the time so I was doing pretty good I thought. One morning, while making coffee, I had a powerful cramp and felt my bowels release quickly overwhelming my protection. The only good things are my kitchen floor is tile and no one was home.
I realized I might need to look at better protection. I did not want to consider the idea of wearing a diaper, the pull ups were bad enough. So I just decided that what had happened was an isolated incident, perhaps I was in denial. As my little accidents were no longer little, my confidence was starting to plummet. I was not going out much but I was still substituting teaching when I could. I had started having more frequent IBS related problems around this same time.
A few days later I was feeling a bit better and went to work subbing for a friend of mine who is a sixth grade teacher. Ironically enough I was covering her so she could go to the doctor for some tests relating to her IBS. It was great being back at work, I have known many of the students since they were in second grade and was glad to see them. Third hour came along and I was looking forward to my break when it was over as I really had to pee. With about ten minutes left in class the most embarrassing moment in my life happed.
As I was walking over to the board to write something down, I felt that unmistakable cramp and I knew what was coming. I did my best to hold on but it was no use. My worst nightmare happened. A complete blow out. To the pull ups credit it did mange to hold some of it, not all of it. I was mortified. I quickly turned around the face the class hoping no one had seen what just happened, with twenty-five kids in the room I had little hope of that.
I somehow managed to get through the end of class, I heard the giggles and whispers as the kids were leaving. I quickly called the office informing them that I needed to go home, and went to the bathroom to try and clean up and save what little dignity I had left. Luckily the teachers lounge was empty and so was the bathroom. I realized that it wasn’t as bad as I thought, there was significant leakage around the legs but not nearly as bad as it could have been. My dark pants had covered most of it the stains, but not the smell.
In the past I had done extensive research on my health issues as they evolved and I felt like I was very informed. I attributed my problems to my IBS and colectomy in my research I guess I didn’t look, or want to see the word incontinence. Now I was dealing with it. What were once minor isolated incidents were now becoming commonplace.
My bowel problems have continued to worsen, I was wearing diapers whenever I left the house and to bed at night. I was now able to make it to the bathroom about 50% of the time, so I decided to wear them all the time. I had too many accidents and near misses, I just couldn’t risk it anymore. I have now been wearing diapers pretty all the time for the past six months.
This experience over the past few years have been nothing if not humbling. In eight plus years I have gone from minor leakage to being in a diaper all the time. I do not enjoy wearing diapers and I wish I didn’t have too. However, they have allowed me to have more of a life. Going out in public in a diaper was very difficult at first. It does get easier. I was able to drive out east for the summer, I don’t recommend wearing a diaper and a cover at the Jersey shore. I am adjusting to what I jokingly refer to as “My Diapered Life”, I have not told anyone about my situation besides my wife, daughter and mother. They have all been supportive.
Until my doctors can come up with some answers I am just going to continue wearing diapers. I am going through the stages of grief over this, I started with denial and isolation and have moved to depression. I try not to let it get me down, but some days are tough. I haven’t quite gotten to acceptance yet; I am working on it daily though. I have definitely decided it is better to wear a diaper and not need it than to not wear a diaper and need it. Peace to you all.
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Bowel incontinent due to IBS-D and removal of diseased sigmoid colon. Mild urinary incontinece. In diapers 24/7
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