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Support for dealing with incontinence
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 Post subject: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 3:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:15 am
Posts: 91
Well I have been married to my current wife for more than 8 years now. We have a son who's turning 7 years old in a couple of months. We loved each other limitless from the beginning when we met and this continued basically until sometime after I started showing signs of incontinence.

How has my incontinence affected my wife? In the beginning she was supportive about it, though she didn't help with anything which I actually was glad for. In my opinnion it's a very private thing having to deal with, I also never walks in when she's in the bathroom.

However I can sense that over time, my wife has somehow changed her sperspective on me. We are not as close as we used to, before I started having wetting accidents and resorted to use protection, she crawled into me when in bed, also in the morning. Now....she stays in her side of the bed, far out, sex and general intimacy is almost gone, she doens't in any way initiate sex, and when I did ask her, why, her answer was that she thought I didn't want to do it because of my condition etc. Well I told her that during the act, the male atonomy didn't alow anything unexpected to happen...for some time we continued though with much less frequency to be intimate.

Now, it's close to three months since last time, and she have not approached me since, yea the usual goodbye kisses in the morning, but even these kisses feel wrong to me.

Am I overreacting? or.....I have started to consider ending the marriage, as I don't want to live my life with someone who cannot support me, I keep saying to myself, that tomorrow will be better, but no. I remember our wedding wows, especially for better or for worse (Or what you call it in English) translated directly from Danish "in sickness and everything" but she isn't.....she's keep a distance to me....and I hate it, and I'm afraid I'll start hate her for it, at some point.

I'm sorry, but I have to vent about this. What is your experiences in regard to you're partners reaction on you nad the fact you either wet yourself, have accidents and resort to wearing protection in any form.


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 6:43 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:47 pm
Posts: 578
There's a lot to be said about effective communication. In my opinion, (and everyone has one), being open, and honest about your feelings are important in any relationship. NEVER assume anything,.....talk about everything. Exchange thoughts, and feelings with understand and I think you will overcome any difficulty your experiencing as long as both parties remain committed towards achieving a common goal.


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 7:14 am 
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Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 5:31 pm
Posts: 71
What a difficult situation you find yourself in! I will say this .. my wife more than 100% supports me with my urinary incontinence. So you CAN find a member of the opposite sex who will support you. I have read many posts in this forum who have expressed similar support from their wives. Life is so short. I don't know how long you have been married etc but IF you could do it .. why not get into some couples counselling and get this out in the open with a third person (the counsellor). Get her to express her feelings about it. Then discuss what each of you wants to do going forward in your lives.

Only good can come from an open and a frank discussion with a good third party mediating. Good luck.


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 3:36 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:30 pm
Posts: 381
Location: PA - US
I am going to echo Johnstone here. Talk! Talk with your wife. You believe that you made a commitment to her, a vow, and you did. From what I read, you don't want to break that commitment lightly. Communication is a good thing and will only help. You need to be open and honest. I would suggest you tell her how you feel but also leave time to just be quiet and let her tell you how she feels. The only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to talk it out. If you can't talk it out between the two of you, you may need to involve a third party to help facilitate the communication. But talking is healthy.

_________________
"Why is the rum always gone?" - Captain Jack Sparrow

"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise." -
Gore Vidal


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:01 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 3:55 pm
Posts: 50
Location: Washington State
I'm going to echo everyone else. Talk to her. You can't really know what she is thinking or why she is acting the way she is unless you ask. Myself I am 37 years olf coming up on my wedding anniversary and am wrong about what my wife is thinking 95% of the time. If you need help find a good couple's counselor. If you don't have the money and are involved in church, the pastor will often be willing to provide couple's counseling for families.

I've been struggling with for about two years. It was akward for me and my wife at first. I was embarrased for her to see me in a diaper, and she didn't want to touch the diaper at all. With time, we became more comfortable with it. I did some reading on it online, and i read that some people will take a shower right before making it easier for your spouse. you can also take a shower together and make it part of the process. I'm a parent of a 3 year old. I know being parent has interrupted my sex life more then anything. With kids, things are changing all of the time. You know that by now. The change you see in her may be due to some change in your son or related to something that is happening at work. Once again, you won't know unless you talk about it. If she loves you, she will accept you, it may just take time. This is an adjustment for her as well as you.

Try to stay optimistic, and remember you have people here for you.


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:45 am 
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Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 5:31 pm
Posts: 71
I hope you let us know how things turn out .. IF you got counselling .. etc .. Your actual experience will help all who are in this situation ..


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:15 am
Posts: 91
For sure I'll let you know how things turn out. I asked a question and you answered me, it would be not so polite not coming back to you.

We had a talk yesterday, we have had some wine. Sometimes alcohol seems to lighten things up a bit.
Anyway she told me, she simply couldn't understand my choice in dealing with this. If it was her she would do Botox, surgery etc. well basically everything which would mean no diapers.
Also she told me, that the thought of me wearing these things was a big turn off for her.

Well my response was that I wasn't turned on by them neither.....but that they helped me continuing my life basically un affected.

For now we, are at a stalemate, maybe once I have had the tests done at the urologist things will change, as she will get proof of my condition.

If not, then, I think I'm ready to give her an ultimatum.
Accept it or get lost.


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:50 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:30 pm
Posts: 381
Location: PA - US
jms, It sounds as if you have already made up your mind. I do hope you can work something out. Either way, I wish you peace. It is hard enough to deal with this with a supportive home environment. I can't imagine what it would be like without that.

_________________
"Why is the rum always gone?" - Captain Jack Sparrow

"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise." -
Gore Vidal


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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 7:30 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:50 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Oklahoma
jms,

I echo what everyone else has said. At least your wife and you had a talk and you know how she feels. Hopefully, the urologist can explain somethings to her and hopefully she will understand some if not most of the treatments may have some side affects which some are severe. Plus, the treatments my only help some, but may never completely get you out of wearing some form of protection.

Wish you best of luck in your marriage.


Last edited by batman381327 on Tue Jun 23, 2015 6:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: In a negative way!
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 2:35 am 
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Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 5:31 pm
Posts: 71
I too agree .. I would NOT EVER choose surgery or meds or what-have-you that have various side effects over which I would have no choice as opposed to the simple solution of wearing what millions of people (sure most of them are very young!) do .. wear diapers. Isn't it odd how we fully accept the fact for babies but not for adults.

I have been to urologists from Virginia to California .. from Seattle to Atlanta .. always the same .. we haven't a clue about this but try these drugs .. they MAY work .. uh-h-h-h yes they do have side effects ..

Great you talked it out. To be honest I think there may be other issues in her head that are not out-on-the-table and she has turned her mind onto this one issue that she feels you will not budge on. I doubt this will be worked out. She has found what she needs to find to end things. Just my opinion.

Best Wishes ..

IF you ever get into another dating situation .. here is what I actually did .. my lady and I were about to go to an NFL football game .. in the bathroom .. right in front of her .. I put on my full protection and simply said .. I am not going to miss the game running crazy to the restroom because of my plumbing issues .. basically I laid it all out up front and threw the dice .. and now we two have been together for over twenty years ..


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